White Apple Passion

White Apple Passion
for Health & Passion in Life

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Traveling the Road Home.

    * My Journal *   Mom recently exceeded the seven year mark of living in the Alzheimer's unit in the nursing home. She would SO not approve of posting pictures like these. I can almost hear her  disapproving voice of her sly daughter’s public actions. (But...I think to myself, "she'll never know".)  If I were her, I would be most perturbed at me as well. Heh.  So it goes.

     Mom has been ill...it's seems like "forever".  Sometimes I feel like I can barely remember her as the mom I once knew...but, I will never forget the mom she has been to me....and the thoughtful giving person she has been to many. Now and then I see tiny snippets of who she was, even to this day. 

     I continue to think about Mom's biggest fear of living long with her mind completely gone.  She told me many times of this fear.  It has somewhat haunted me...but then again, she will never know of this truth either.  Earlier in the year, my friend Beth told me I should talk to the director and social worker in the Alzheimer's unit about this dreadful fear that has become true. I did. Thank you Beth. Obviously we have been at a stage for quite some time of painfully wanting to see her "let go".  From our emotional discussion, we made some changes towards Mom’s care to help her "speed" up her travel on the road to "going home". Since then she has lost at least 10 pounds.  Her hands are like holding skeleton bones and nothing more.  She still seems to respond to touch. I will miss that some day.

  This latest chapter of mom is harder than I thought.  I have seen her in such a pathetic state for SO long.   I didn't think this part would affect me so much.  It has.  I do know we are getting closer to the end of the road. Sad....but it truly is a good thing.  Someday, Mom will make it home, and 
Mom will have her peace.  Blessings to her. Blessings to all.  It’s a good thing.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014


    My Journal * I am now three years cancer free. And here it is-- October!!!...Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Please help me to help others.  I continue to advocate taking control, getting your screenings on a regular basis,  and forming a habit of self-exams!  These simple steps can save your life.

    Please visit my Etsy Shop!  I have created some gifts specific to breast cancer and good health.  A portion of all my profits in my shop for the month of October will be donated for Breast Cancer Research.  Let's fight the fight...and win!  It's a good thing!


Saturday, July 12, 2014

Living in the World of Alzheimer's...

    * My Journal *  This is a glimpse of my mother's world.  Mom is in the blue on the left.  She is in her special wheelchair, all strapped in with her big leg braces.  Most...well...OK...all of the time... when I come into this confined, locked up and closed off world, it feels simply pathetic. It breaks my heart.  Mom has outlived most in this unit.  I have seen many many Alzheimer's and dementia patients come and go.  Some of them have "lasted" in here for quite a while.  Some people...some...deteriorate quickly and don't "last" long at all.  Honestly, I would say they are the lucky ones.  Noises, curdling screams, and odd to piercing "sound effects" made by the residents can be as disturbing as seeing the agony over a roomful of too many worn, sick, and sometimes distorted, faces.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't see everything as bad.  There can be many laughs here.  The working caretakers in this field of "Insanity" HAVE to carry on a sense of humor...(for survival's sake...in my opinion).  I myself laugh with them.  We all need to "exercise" a sense of humor in many aspects of life.  I think everyone would agree.  
    When I came to see Mom this particular day, she was looking quite stern and not so good as other times.  I rubbed her shoulders and neck, held her hand, kissed her head. I tried to talk to her.  She only stared at me....she has been doing that lately.  She has not been talking her usual "gibberish".  Even though she is slowly deteriorating, she seems to notice me more than before...just like on this day.  As she stared at me with her stern, but expressionless face, she appeared to be looking right into my eyes....almost like she recognized me.  (She can really surprise me sometimes.)  As I was looking right back into her eyes...patiently....for several "moments", she slowly formed her mouth into an O shape.  I brought my cheek to her lips. She touched my cheek.  I pulled away and looked at her.  She shaped her mouth into an O again.  I brought my cheek to her....she was kissing me... we did this over and over...sometimes she actually did a light "smack" on my face. This happens and I don't realize there are still feelings inside her skeletal frame with a soul that's seemingly dissipated.  Then I wonder if she is trying to tell me something?  Is she trying to finally let go.  Is she trying to tell me goodbye?  Is that terrible to say?...I can't help it....it just sort of feels that way when I see her eyes stare at me as of late.
    Leaving the nursing home, I couldn't stop thinking about my experience with my mother.
I don't know....maybe I think about things too much. Maybe I'm just completely "off base".  On the way to my house, I did some crying....and more thinking.  As distressing as it seems when I walk into the pitiful world my mother lives in....I realize I am lucky and so is she.  She has me and I have her. I have missed her terribly as the mom I once had.  Oh...do I EVER miss her.  She was a wonderful mother and wonderful friend. ... But, in a way..... I do still have her....she gave me kisses...lots of them....another moment to cherish....and that's another good thing.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

The finest of the finest

    My Journal * As I have been going through boxes of photos in preparation for Amy's high school graduation. I came across this photo that made me stop everything I was doing. Oh my goodness!...there is my mom on the right....Marylyn Scheuerman in the middle...and Evelyn Larsen on the left...all dear dear friends. I have known Marylyn and Evelyn my whole life. They knew me as a baby. Growing up I watched these ladies, their spouses, and several other dear couples spend time together, party together, and be there for each other when needed. They were a tight group.  They would take turns throwing dinner parties at their homes. I remember how fun it was for me when we had the parties at our house . Mom loved entertaining. My favorite was enjoying all the appetizers. My dad relished and had a knack for playing "bartender". They would stretch cocktail hour into several hours of fun and laughter.  Dinner would be enjoyed late into the evening. Then dessert...sometimes devoured not until the midnight hour. It was joyous. 

    These ladies have been lifetime friends. Evelyn and Marylyn always treated me as if I was their daughter.  Unfortunately we have lost Marylyn, but I'm sure she is happy to be united and in peace with her two beloved sons she lost...so painfully... in her life here on this earth.  Evelyn and husband, Dale, are alive but struggling in health. Mom...well...Mom has seen better days.

    This picture of the three makes my heart feel warm. It brings me sweet and joyful memories. I cherish those memories.  I adore not just my mom, but also Marylyn and Evelyn ....so so deeply dear.

    I love these three ladies...wonderful friends, wonderful wives, and wonderful mothers. 
Happy Mother's Day to all.  It's a good thing.

Sunday, January 26, 2014


  * My Journal * I don't believe I have "blogged" on or about my birthday but this one I will.  I started my birthday today enjoying breakfast out with Roger, and the kids....a rare moment these days.  It was nice.  We all ate heartily...omelets, biscuits, chocolate chip pancakes....yum.  I actually wasn't thinking much about being a year older....that is until we were finishing devouring our delicious breakfast and sipping on coffee.  As we relaxed for a bit, I turned myself slightly and looked to my right.  Suddenly I did a double take.  What did I see?  My brain was feeling a bit weird as it does at times.  There sitting near me was an older "scraggly" but "a little bit cute" lady just staring down at the floor.  She had some wild mussed up hair.  She looked like she was trying to "style" but it wasn't quite working.  THEN it HIT me!  "OMG", I thought, "that is ME in 20 years."  I turned away and looked again, thinking and hoping I would not feel that odd feeling that I was looking into my future.  "OH Geez....YES....it is me."  I couldn't deny.  I then turned back to the table.  I looked at my family and felt the need to tell them about my "into the future" vision and "sighting".  When I confessed to this self truth....I was thinking...."Oh, I'm sure I'm just exaggerating things in my head, and I'm sure my family won't see what I'm seeing!"   As soon as Amy looked at the old lady, she said, "Yes, Mom...that is SO going to be you."  Well...I then knew I could either laugh or cry! :)
     I learned how I have learned before...it's so much better to laugh!  And we all did.  Yep, I'm still laughing...well...sort of...heh!   Truth is, it's been a good birthday today... and that is a really good thing.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Mom and Me

    * My Journal * When my parents were growing up both of them lost their fathers at a very young and tender age.  Mom lost her mother when she was only about 19 or 20 years old.  Her mother was bedridden, not knowing who she was for years before she passed.  As a “self absorbed” daughter I never thought much of it.  I had my mom and dad…Parents don’t need their parents…right?  Ha!…What do I know!!!???  Not until Dad was over 80 years old, during one of our dear conversations, my father expressed sadness to me over not having his father around as a small child and beyond.
    When I heard this I felt bad. I felt really bad that it didn’t “cross my mind” or concern me that my own father did not have a father “figure” for most or pretty much all of his life.  I can’t imagine that for myself.
So, I guess I should obviously feel blessed for the time I have had with my own mother and father. And I do.  But  I am also selfish…still want them around…still want to be able to tell them what’s going on in my life, and what’s not going on in my life...I want them STILL to  help me parent my own kids nearly grown now.....no matter how old I am or how old I get.
    OK.....but....Mom is STILL physically here.  I want to tell her stuff.  I want to go on errands with her.  I want to bake Dad’s favorite pumpkin pie with her.  And I want Dad here to enjoy the finished homeade product.  It can only be a memory…indeed...a good memory that no one can take away from me.

    The photo I show is a recent picture of Mom and me.  Mostly I just stare at her. I talk to her as well. I tell her I love her. Sometimes she seems to notice but not so much anymore. She still “jibber jabbers” when she has the energy.  On this day as I held her hand, she “suckled” my finger.  I believe she was kissing me.  I will cherish that moment.  It’s all I have with her.  It needs to be OK.  So, I guess… I think….that ought to be put on the list as a blessed good thing.  And it truly is.
    Mom turns 85 on Monday.  Happy Birthday my dear mother.  Love you.