IS THIS ME?

  * My Journal * I don't believe I have "blogged" on or about my birthday but this one I will.  I started my birthday today enjoying breakfast out with Roger, and the kids....a rare moment these days.  It was nice.  We all ate heartily...omelets, biscuits, chocolate chip pancakes....yum.  I actually wasn't thinking much about being a year older....that is until we were finishing devouring our delicious breakfast and sipping on coffee.  As we relaxed for a bit, I turned myself slightly and looked to my right.  Suddenly I did a double take.  What did I see?  My brain was feeling a bit weird as it does at times.  There sitting near me was an older "scraggly" but "a little bit cute" lady just staring down at the floor.  She had some wild mussed up hair.  She looked like she was trying to "style" but it wasn't quite working.  THEN it HIT me!  "OMG", I thought, "that is ME in 20 years."  I turned away and looked again, thinking and hoping I would not feel that odd feeling that I was looking into my future.  "OH Geez....YES....it is me."  I couldn't deny.  I then turned back to the table.  I looked at my family and felt the need to tell them about my "into the future" vision and "sighting".  When I confessed to this self truth....I was thinking...."Oh, I'm sure I'm just exaggerating things in my head, and I'm sure my family won't see what I'm seeing!"   As soon as Amy looked at the old lady, she said, "Yes, Mom...that is SO going to be you."  Well...I then knew I could either laugh or cry! :)
     I learned how I have learned before...it's so much better to laugh!  And we all did.  Yep, I'm still laughing...well...sort of...heh!   Truth is, it's been a good birthday today... and that is a really good thing.

Mom and Me

    * My Journal * When my parents were growing up both of them lost their fathers at a very young and tender age.  Mom lost her mother when she was only about 19 or 20 years old.  Her mother was bedridden, not knowing who she was for years before she passed.  As a “self absorbed” daughter I never thought much of it.  I had my mom and dad…Parents don’t need their parents…right?  Ha!…What do I know!!!???  Not until Dad was over 80 years old, during one of our dear conversations, my father expressed sadness to me over not having his father around as a small child and beyond.

    When I heard this I felt bad. I felt really bad that it didn’t “cross my mind” or concern me that my own father did not have a father “figure” for most or pretty much all of his life.  I can’t imagine that for myself.

So, I guess I should obviously feel blessed for the time I have had with my own mother and father. And I do.  But  I am also selfish…still want them around…still want to be able to tell them what’s going on in my life, and what’s not going on in my life...I want them STILL to  help me parent my own kids nearly grown now.....no matter how old I am or how old I get.

    OK.....but....Mom is STILL physically here.  I want to tell her stuff.  I want to go on errands with her.  I want to bake Dad’s favorite pumpkin pie with her.  And I want Dad here to enjoy the finished homeade product.  It can only be a memory…indeed...a good memory that no one can take away from me.

    The photo I show is a recent picture of Mom and me.  Mostly I just stare at her. I talk to her as well. I tell her I love her. Sometimes she seems to notice but not so much anymore. She still “jibber jabbers” when she has the energy.  On this day as I held her hand, she “suckled” my finger.  I believe she was kissing me.  I will cherish that moment.  It’s all I have with her.  It needs to be OK.  So, I guess… I think….that ought to be put on the list as a blessed good thing.  And it truly is.

    Mom turns 85 on Monday.  Happy Birthday my dear mother.  Love you.