Mom...once again...

Alzheimer's disease is truly the longest of "Goodbyes".  (The latest photo of Mom.)  She just doesn't seem to ever give up.  Still sweet...still kisses...I guess...that's the "good thing".

Alzheimer's...Mom...and me...

* My Journal * We (Mom) are now in the latter stages of Alzheimers.  We have been through...it seems like a million different stages and phases of the disease.  Even though Mom is in such a detrimental state, a part of it is easier than earlier spells of this unfortunate path.  No more anger or arguing….no more paranoia...no worries about leaving the house and getting lost...and... no more confusing and disastrous frustration.  It doesn’t mean I like this chapter any better.  I don’t.  She is bed ridden.  She hasn’t been able to do anything as simple as drinking from a glass of juice, on her own, for years. She’s a pathetic mess.  Sometimes the most haunting parts of visiting an Alzheimer’s unit of a nursing home is not what you see, but it’s the sounds and noises that come from all over the unit among it’s patients. It can be quite disturbing.  I have a small bit of a movie visiting Mom.  Even though she would not approve, I find it important to reveal and expose a little part of her world.  Some day I hope it makes a difference... and it might turn in to being a good thing.  I love you Mom.

A PIG FOR TIM.

    My Journal *  My husband Roger is the oldest of five children. I have heard numerous times of a story from his childhood regarding little brother, Tim. When Roger was a teenager, he took Tim "trick or treating" on Halloween. (I’m assuming Mom was home taking care of “baby Jim”, the youngest of the five.)  At the time, Tim was maybe about five years old. Roger was to take care of Tim, as well as make sure he was cued in on saying his "trick or treats" and thank yous. One house just so happened to have a cute pet pug at the door greeting all the little ghosts and goblins.  As little Tim got his treat, and said his thank you he started to turn away but hesitated after a few steps. He then turned back towards the door and said to the homeowner, "By the way… I like your pig!”

    It tickled Roger so.... Obviously, he never forgot that moment with little Tim.  And I always enjoy hearing the story.  (Mind you…I’m not always fond of hearing Roger’s “other” stories...uh…over and over….but this one I LOVE!  Ha!)

    Today little Tim is a wonderful father of four children and has been married to Maria for 30 years.  They are and have been fabulous parents to their grown and nearly grown children, and it shows through each child…Geoff, Stephen, Christa, and Aaron.  

    On Saturday, January 10th, Tim was rushed to the hospital…it looked likely that he had a stroke or heart attack...unsure.  With cat scans and X rays, the doctors discovered lesions on the brain (causing seizures) and in the lungs. The hospital performed a biopsy on Sunday. Later that week... biopsy results... malignant melanoma, (stage 4 since it has spread to other parts of the body).

    If anyone has the strength to get through this…it would be Tim and Maria. They are challenged, but handling the start of this journey with much grace and optimism. Tim and Maria, I declare as “Rock Stars”.  They are strong.  During this time, my father-in-law is also going through his own cancer battles.  Big stuff on the shoulders of the Hunt family to start off in the 2015 new year.  Daily prayers keep on going…and going…and we don’t mind asking for more.

    I don’t know, but all I can say is I’m getting pretty sick and tired of "Stupid" cancer abrupting people’s lives.  Cancer is the one enemy I truly believe in taking physical and wildly, violent force, and completely kicking it in the butt.  I would like to take a hammer and beat it til' we can see it NO MORE….THERE….DONE.

    As I have not been able to stop thinking about Tim, I couldn’t help but think of the little story of Tim and the “Pig” at Halloween.  :)  Naturally, I had to create this "pig-like" dog, or "dog-like" pig just for him. So here’s to my “Rock Star” brother-in-law who is keeping everyone else strong through his great attitude, optimism, and wonderful sense of humor in his new challenge he faces today.  May “Little Tim’s Hot Diggity-Piggity” bring a smile, a chuckle, and a twinkle of hope.  Allow it to be a symbol of faith, fun, and everything you are. Let it surround you with a bright spirit all around you and your family….. Maria, the kids, and your dear Mom and Dad….not to leave out the rest of the “clan”.

   SO... to Dear Tim-- I HOPE you "like your pig"? ....as it sends good thoughts, prayers, love, and a little bit of “Hot Diggity” in your path today.  It's a good thing...Love, Jan.

Traveling the Road Home.

    * My Journal *   Mom recently exceeded the seven year mark of living in the Alzheimer's unit in the nursing home. She would SO not approve of posting pictures like these. I can almost hear her  disapproving voice of her sly daughter’s public actions. (But...I think to myself, "she'll never know".)  If I were her, I would be most perturbed at me as well. Heh.  So it goes.

     Mom has been ill...it's seems like "forever".  Sometimes I feel like I can barely remember her as the mom I once knew...but, I will never forget the mom she has been to me....and the thoughtful giving person she has been to many. Now and then I see tiny snippets of who she was, even to this day. 

     I continue to think about Mom's biggest fear of living long with her mind completely gone.  She told me many times of this fear.  It has somewhat haunted me...but then again, she will never know of this truth either.  Earlier in the year, my friend Beth told me I should talk to the director and social worker in the Alzheimer's unit about this dreadful fear that has become true. I did. Thank you Beth. Obviously we have been at a stage for quite some time of painfully wanting to see her "let go".  From our emotional discussion, we made some changes towards Mom’s care to help her "speed" up her travel on the road to "going home". Since then she has lost at least 10 pounds.  Her hands are like holding skeleton bones and nothing more.  She still seems to respond to touch. I will miss that some day.

  This latest chapter of mom is harder than I thought.  I have seen her in such a pathetic state for SO long.   I didn't think this part would affect me so much.  It has.  I do know we are getting closer to the end of the road. Sad....but it truly is a good thing.  Someday, Mom will make it home, and 

Mom will have her peace.  Blessings to her. Blessings to all.  It’s a good thing.

CELEBRATE OCTOBER...CELEBRATE BREAST CANCER AWARENESS!

    My Journal * I am now three years cancer free. And here it is-- October!!!...Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Please help me to help others.  I continue to advocate taking control, getting your screenings on a regular basis,  and forming a habit of self-exams!  These simple steps can save your life.

    Please visit my Etsy Shop!  I have created some gifts specific to breast cancer and good health.  A portion of all my profits in my shop for the month of October will be donated for Breast Cancer Research.  Let's fight the fight...and win!  It's a good thing!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/JBHuntStudio

Living in the World of Alzheimer's...

    * My Journal *  This is a glimpse of my mother's world.  Mom is in the blue on the left.  She is in her special wheelchair, all strapped in with her big leg braces.  Most...well...OK...all of the time... when I come into this confined, locked up and closed off world, it feels simply pathetic. It breaks my heart.  Mom has outlived most in this unit.  I have seen many many Alzheimer's and dementia patients come and go.  Some of them have "lasted" in here for quite a while.  Some people...some...deteriorate quickly and don't "last" long at all.  Honestly, I would say they are the lucky ones.  Noises, curdling screams, and odd to piercing "sound effects" made by the residents can be as disturbing as seeing the agony over a roomful of too many worn, sick, and sometimes distorted, faces.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't see everything as bad.  There can be many laughs here.  The working caretakers in this field of "Insanity" HAVE to carry on a sense of humor...(for survival's sake...in my opinion).  I myself laugh with them.  We all need to "exercise" a sense of humor in many aspects of life.  I think everyone would agree.  

    

    When I came to see Mom this particular day, she was looking quite stern and not so good as other times.  I rubbed her shoulders and neck, held her hand, kissed her head. I tried to talk to her.  She only stared at me....she has been doing that lately.  She has not been talking her usual "gibberish".  Even though she is slowly deteriorating, she seems to notice me more than before...just like on this day.  As she stared at me with her stern, but expressionless face, she appeared to be looking right into my eyes....almost like she recognized me.  (She can really surprise me sometimes.)  As I was looking right back into her eyes...patiently....for several "moments", she slowly formed her mouth into an O shape.  I brought my cheek to her lips. She touched my cheek.  I pulled away and looked at her.  She shaped her mouth into an O again.  I brought my cheek to her....she was kissing me... we did this over and over...sometimes she actually did a light "smack" on my face. This happens and I don't realize there are still feelings inside her skeletal frame with a soul that's seemingly dissipated.  Then I wonder if she is trying to tell me something?  Is she trying to finally let go.  Is she trying to tell me goodbye?  Is that terrible to say?...I can't help it....it just sort of feels that way when I see her eyes stare at me as of late.

     

    Leaving the nursing home, I couldn't stop thinking about my experience with my mother.

I don't know....maybe I think about things too much. Maybe I'm just completely "off base".  On the way to my house, I did some crying....and more thinking.  As distressing as it seems when I walk into the pitiful world my mother lives in....I realize I am lucky and so is she.  She has me and I have her. I have missed her terribly as the mom I once had.  Oh...do I EVER miss her.  She was a wonderful mother and wonderful friend. ... But, in a way..... I do still have her....she gave me kisses...lots of them....another moment to cherish....and that's another good thing.

The finest of the finest

    My Journal * As I have been going through boxes of photos in preparation for Amy's high school graduation. I came across this photo that made me stop everything I was doing. Oh my goodness!...there is my mom on the right....Marylyn Scheuerman in the middle...and Evelyn Larsen on the left...all dear dear friends. I have known Marylyn and Evelyn my whole life. They knew me as a baby. Growing up I watched these ladies, their spouses, and several other dear couples spend time together, party together, and be there for each other when needed. They were a tight group.  They would take turns throwing dinner parties at their homes. I remember how fun it was for me when we had the parties at our house . Mom loved entertaining. My favorite was enjoying all the appetizers. My dad relished and had a knack for playing "bartender". They would stretch cocktail hour into several hours of fun and laughter.  Dinner would be enjoyed late into the evening. Then dessert...sometimes devoured not until the midnight hour. It was joyous. 

    These ladies have been lifetime friends. Evelyn and Marylyn always treated me as if I was their daughter.  Unfortunately we have lost Marylyn, but I'm sure she is happy to be united and in peace with her two beloved sons she lost...so painfully... in her life here on this earth.  Evelyn and husband, Dale, are alive but struggling in health. Mom...well...Mom has seen better days.

    This picture of the three makes my heart feel warm. It brings me sweet and joyful memories. I cherish those memories.  I adore not just my mom, but also Marylyn and Evelyn ....so so deeply dear.

    I love these three ladies...wonderful friends, wonderful wives, and wonderful mothers. 

Happy Mother's Day to all.  It's a good thing.