WANTED -- Patience and Understanding...AND Not to Feel Alone.

* My Journal * It has been over a month since I finished my last radiation treatment for breast cancer.  That last day of treatment was a good day.  As soon as that catheter was removed from my body, I felt free.  It felt so good. I was on my way to recovery and looking forward to better days ahead.  I was getting into my regular exercise routine, and working on projects for my freelance illustration business.  Most of my recovery, I thought was behind me and I was to feel blessed and happy....right?  Of course I am....but why wasn't I?  As I arrived at Menorah Hospital for a follow-up appointment in Radiology with Dr. Koffman, I found myself in the middle of a complete melt down.  I didn't even understand it.  I was embarrassed.  "Don't be", Dr. Koffman told me as he handed me the box of tissue and then he continued, "I seem to have that effect on people".
    As I resumed my crying, I told him I was simply worn out, I felt "crummy" and could not pull myself together.  (I visualized myself in a boxing ring finishing up a really good match... I have won the fight... I turn around smelling victory...and while raising my fists in celebration, I am blind-sided with a late one-two punch... I know... it makes no sense.)  Dr. Koffman continued to comfort me by thoughtfully explaining I was very normal to feel what I am feeling.  It takes time.   I was not only feeling exhausted but also feeling  meek and emotionally fragile,  a very frustrating feeling and I was obviously NOT enjoying this knocked down "state of being".
    This "chapter" of my journey also reminded me when my father passed.   I remember feeling a deep sense of relief that Dad's pain was "done" and he could be at peace.  I didn't really feel sadness....I just felt so glad and relieved the suffering was behind him and "it" was finally over.....that was how I felt at the end of my radiation treatments.  Then later, whatever IT is... "IT hits".  Three months after Dad died, I was suddenly feeling the grief....and for some reason now, I'm feeling similar.  I don't get it but I also think life is never quite the same after going through these trials in life.
    As I continued my appointment with Dr. Koffman, we discussed my plans, as I was to see my Oncologist for the first time the very next day.  I thought my personal decisions regarding my cancer treatments were basically complete, but I have found myself in the last "leg" of decision making regarding medication for the prevention of a cancer recurrence.  Things are never as "cut and dry" as you think. Every decision made has it's advantages and disadvantages.  Ugh.  I feel too tired to think.
    After a really good consultation in Oncology with Dr. Burt, both she and Dr. Koffman referred me to their cancer counselor.  I continued my melt down with the counselor. I felt knocked down when I should be feeling happy with my medical care, successful cancer treatments, and my excellent prognosis. As I displayed myself in distress, I was hearing the same message from the doctors, oncology nurse, then the counselor...what I am experiencing is so very normal.  "I have seen this with hundreds of breast cancer patients" said Naomi Glynn, the cancer counselor for Midwest Cancer Care/Menorah Hospital.  Many of these women, she claimed, with early detection breast cancer, and having successful surgery and treatments with great prognosis.....expect to be feeling good and celebrating victory.....but over and over patients feeling exhausted, run down, and "knocked over"... just like me.  Hearing that I'm not alone,  I found this news to be of some comfort to me.  It's not that I wish for anyone to feel this way, but the pure fact that I just might still be on the radar screen as "normal" was sort of good for my mind to know.
    The longer I venture this journey, the more I am impressed with the support and help from many in the medical field, including Cancer Centers offering different types of therapy such as massage, touch healing, yoga, nutrition classes, counseling... not to mention my wonderful medical team, and the list goes on.  I believe in using all the resources it takes to make life better.   As the counselor told me, "Treat yourself the same as you would treat a loved one going through any kind of medical challenge.....and give yourself time." OK, then... I am going to try this....as I continue to "face forward".  I realize not only do family and friends need to be patient and understanding, a cancer survivor needs to do the same for herself.  I also think it may be a matter of understanding what not to understand.  With help, the awareness to get help, and the resources available today, life before, during, and after cancer treatments can be made more tolerable.  And I must say to the very kind Dr. Koffman, after the conclusion of my melt down in his office... Thank You.  Thanks for your patience and understanding, the advice to see the counselor,  and the much needed hug.  Sometimes just a small gesture can make such a difference to keep one foot in front of the other.  That's a good thing.

Women--Our Caregivers... Celebrate them.

* My Journal * On a recent Saturday morning our obgyn doctor friend, Tom, called me about a woman who is an elementary school teacher in our community.  He told me that Jackie had been the wonderful kindergarten teacher for two of their three boys.  Tom had to "ruin her day" with a phone call telling her that her biopsy came back positive for breast cancer.  He called me just after giving her the "crummy" news.  He asked me, with Jackie's permission,  if I wouldn't mind calling her to give her some needed support. So of course I called.  This dedicated teacher was in her classroom at school diligently preparing for the new school year.  She was thrown "a curve ball" in her life just minutes before I called.  Now here we were, neither of us having met, but we had something seriously in common...."the big C"... was instantly a part of both our lives as of the summer of 2011.  I felt her shock of this unwanted and untimely news.  (When is there ever a good time?)  I did not envy her day, nor what she has to face in the months to come, but I also know she is going to be fine.  I won't go into details about her cancer "situation".  My focus here is about women...our caregivers..... and Jackie is this.  I instantly saw her as a very special caregiver...but typical of many women in our lives.  (Sorry men, I will get to you later!)  Jackie's first thoughts expressed to me was her concern for being absent in school because of breast cancer treatments and the necessity of needing to be there for her students in this new school year.  I recognized her commitment and dedication as an educator.  I told her for the sake of our children and our community, she needed to focus on herself now.   That can be a difficult and awkward position for women such as Jackie.  Jackie is a "poster child" example of women who are innate and indispensable caregivers of the world.  As I thought about Jackie and this role that many women hold, I also thought of Ella, just seven years old, who I have admired and observed at church.  She is always taking care of her four-year-old brother, Nolan, who has downs syndrome.  She intuitively has become his little "caretaker".  She watches over him... she puts her finger to her lips to "shhhh" him when she thinks she needs to... she holds his hand... she puts her arm around him when she feels necessary... and she acknowledges his "oh SO" precious smile.  This very young girl, inexperienced in life, is caring, loving, and "mothering" over her special little brother at such a tender age.  Today I celebrate all the "Jackies" and the "Ellas"....young and old, who are the strength... the glue... and critical to our lives in our world as caregivers.  We need you.  I pray for good health and time to rest for you. We can not live without you.  Our caregivers in our lives... are not to be taken for granted.  We want to hold on to them.  They are a priceless blessing.  And I do believe celebrating them is a very good thing.

To Laugh or to Cry...Or BOTH!

* My Journal * My friend Pam, also a breast cancer survivor, was so kind to treat me to lunch as I went through my twice a day radiation appointments.  It was fun.  We enjoyed a wonderful lunch at the Mission Antique Mall....a great place to enjoy delicious food and forget about troubles while rumaging around discovering some vintage treasures.....one of my favorite pastimes.  Thank you Pam!
As Pam and I focused on the subject of healthy living, we talked about nutrition, lifestyles, our experiences going through cancer treatments, our doctors, and so on.  One thing that really "stuck to my brain" was her comment that it was not only very healthy to laugh, but it was also very healthy to cry.  I think most of us know that laughing is obviously a good thing....and you sort of figure....it's not fun to cry, but crying does allow you to "let it all out".  After that thought, I began more of my usual routine of further thinking.  Hey....the fact that I can be really noble at laughing...and then, I am also a master crier "with dignity and distinction", I must exclaim... Wow!  I believe that just may work to my supreme advantage!  Since I am such a great authority of both these virtues, and now that I have kicked my "stupid cancer" out of power,  I MUST be of prestige health....(alien or not!).  And this I say is of "impressive prominence"!   I now "crown" and title myself as the "Princess of 'to Laugh AND to Cry' all in the greatness of health".  Then I shall "crown" Roger as the "Prince Charming of 'Putting up with Me'...(will she laugh or will she cry today?...  OR will she do BOTH ?!)"....(but isn't he of elevated luck...to have your majesty (me)!... Hee!).  Now then, that feels of great stateliness! I do believe I feel the rise of my good "healthiness", and obviously a part of Royalty!  What about you, "Prince Charming Roger"?  As I declare myself a Royal Princess, living in the "Palace of Good Health", I do believe that is of stature AND a splendid good thing!

The Waiting Room...Michelle

* My Journal * Just a moment ago, I was going to and through a number of medical tests, doctor appointments, and consultations for my breast cancer... then surgery and radiation.  Today, feeling "on the mend", with all that behind me,  I was in my surgeon's waiting room... waiting for my follow up appointment with Dr. Balanoff.  The waiting room was full of women.  Most of them had a sister or some other female by their side.  Most of them were older women, like the one who was sitting next to me.  She didn't have any problem opening up to me.  She was just diagnosed with breast cancer last week, and was worried what was in store for her.  I told her she was in a good place and it was going to be OK... (as if I was a veteran at this still new experience to me.) The woman pointed to the hundreds and hundreds of files exposed from the receptionist window of all the breast cancer "cases" just this office alone has dealt with.  We both looked in awe of how could this be.. but it is... it is the true reality of life.
Also in the waiting room was Michelle.  Michelle was in her wheelchair waiting for her appointment like the rest of us.  Hard to really tell, but I think she was a younger woman.  I was immediately and completely heart sick for her.  Just looking into her sad and worn out eyes, I knew she has been fighting a long hard battle of pure Hell.  It was not right.  Her "caretaker", who I don't know in what capacity or relation she was to Michelle, openly talked to the woman next to her of the troubles Michelle has faced, and is facing.  The woman told Michelle she would put her on her prayer list.  Her caretaker said they would take any prayers they could get.  I jumped in and said I would be in prayer for her too.  If a person does not feel spiritual in his or her life, I can't imagine not feeling it in these moments, just out of pure necessity and desperation for someone in need.  I usually keep this "stuff" to myself, but not this time... not today... not for Michelle.  I don't care what kind of "spiritualness" one has or not... and how it's "spirited"and/or worshipped or not...  good vibes, positive thoughts, meditation, or any form of prayer....whatever it takes...I ask that for Michelle from this day.  As I was called for my appointment, I went over and placed my hand on her shoulder.  I wanted her to know a stranger to her cares.  At that time, everyone in the room seemed to be in support of each other for the fact that we were all in this waiting room, together for a reason.  I will never forget that moment... and I will never forget Michelle.

A Spider and it's Web ... Wake up ... "Smell the coffee"

* My Journal * My favorite "spot" is our front porch.  I find myself going to that spot to sit....especially this summer.  I like sitting when the sun is going down.  It seems to be a place where I feel calm.  Once I am there, I relax.  The ability to relax seems to be a challenge for me, but I found "planting" myself on our porch helps.  Last week I did just that, after finishing my last radiation treatment.  As I sat and rocked, my eyes were drawn to a spider spinning her web.  I'm not a lover of spiders, but I seemed to be calmly drawn to the little critter.  I took time and just sat...and watched....I sat....and kept watching.  I observed how hard this spider labored.  She worked hard and fast.  I was impressed and found myself quietly "cheering" her on.  She was such a dilegent worker.  She would not stop for a break...there was much determination and fight in her to press on, and keep going.  Finally I felt my space was being a bit invaded by the web, so I decided to let the disciplined worker "be" and I went inside.
The next day I walked out to the porch and noticed the spider sitting in it's gigantic web.  The web spread wide, across much of the front porch, and near my "sitting spot".  Isn't it amazing?!  And how does such a "little thing" like that create such delicate, transparent, and beautiful work?  Incredible. (Now, I realize I am not making any new discoveries here....but it was one of those moments in my life I have taken time to "smell the coffee".)  Later, when I arrived again, the web was gone for whatever reason that destroyed the piece of work.  All that hard work...gone.  I felt bad for the little spider.  The evening approached, the sun was disappearing, and I was back out on the porch anxious to relax.  Wouldn't you know, there she was again, rebuilding her web in the same place.  The tenacious spider had begun the process all over, and it didn't seem to phase the energy and determination in the tiny creature of nature.  What a great little example and role model in our "oh" so big world.  I felt tremendous respect and admiration for this amazing critter with great character.  She did not give up.  She kept going, despite her world being broken down. She was strong, and determined to succeed, even with overwhelming obstacles in her life. I see this tiny little spider spinning her web...an inspiration in life, with a reminder to never quit, never give up, don't get discouraged, be strong and mighty... be determined, with "chin up"... no matter what has knocked your web down, or what obstacles you face in life.  I then realized, it's time I took more time to "wake up and smell the coffee". That's a good thing.

TOP TEN LIST...

Unlucky but Lucky

* My Journal * For so many years I have been faithfully attending my annual mammogram check ups.  For so many years I have been lucky....lucky until this year.  This year I wasn't so lucky when they called me to come in for a magnified mammogram.  I was then unlucky when they told me I needed to have a biopsy performed on my left breast.  I continued to be unlucky when the biopsy results came back positive with cancer.  Interestingly enough, my unluckiness suddenly changed to luckiness.  As soon as I was told of my diagnosis, I was also told I was lucky.  Lucky this unlucky diagnosis was lucky being found at such an early stage.  Funny, I needed to feel lucky but felt unlucky all at the same time.  The deeper we got into tackling this unlucky but lucky new challenge, the more I realized the "lucky" seemed to be feeling much more than "unlucky".  Are you following me?  :)
To simplify, my experience as a cancer patient with my unlucky but lucky diagnosis, I define my challenge throughout as a "cake walk" compared to many, (even though it hasn't felt like it).  What I am getting at is, as I have lived this journey, my thoughts and prayers continue for those I know and see fighting greater challenges than the recent journey I have had to endure.  I am reminded by Chris....the young and beautiful blond mother of two, I know from church, who has handled her cancer recurrance with tremendous grace, courage, and also with stunning calmness.  Then there is Debby....a gutsy fighter, also mother of two with difficult cancer battles, doing well, keeping "chin up", plunging through and celebrating every victory along the way. (FYI--I knew she would look great with no hair!)  Our long time friend, Joyce...no, she is not battling cancer, recently experienced a "freak" bicycle accident.  This left her near death with critical head trauma. Also a mother, Joyce is a strong athletic and tough individual.  She has made miraculous strides in her amazing and difficult recovery.  She too is a true miracle.  These inspiring women are just a few of so many individuals "out there" fighting courageous battles.  For every mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend.....  or whoever you may be fighting hard battles... I pray and wish for good days, hopes met, dreams made, and wishes granted with a little bit of the "unlucky luck" along the way...
...and this...I also hope and pray to be an unlucky but lucky, and blessed good thing.